I've been thinking about this a lot lately as Paul and I talk about when to start "trying" to have another baby. I hate that phrase by the way...............I know these days it is certainly hard work and it, for whatever reason, doesn't come nearly as naturally as it SHOULD but I just hate that you have to label getting pregnant as doing work. It should be purely about love and if it happens it happens. But that's besides the point because I know that isn't most people's reality.
I have three brothers and I now have a son and two nephews - my friend, Meagan, once told me that when she thinks about me and my family she just thinks "boys" - not in a bad way but its so very true. I grew up with boys, I played soccer with the boys until I was 13, I'm closer with my male cousins than female, I've always gotten along better with guys than girls - its just all boys in my life. I have been very very lucky and made some truly amazing female friends along the way who I consider like sisters but Meg is right - when I look at my life I think boys as well.
So what would happen if we had a girl??? When I first got pregnant with Declan, I was sure we were having a girl. And I couldn't have been more happy. Being a female, dealing with the pressures that they do, coaching young women for 3 years, it really was something that I was pumped about. I wanted to raise a girl in this day and age and raise her RIGHT. I wanted to raise a woman who would make a difference in this world, being confident in her faith, being a loyal friend, setting a good example health-wise, maybe athletic?!??!?!!, someone who would one day be the girl that all the moms wanted their sons to date. And then maybe marry....and then become a mom herself. I think women are special - they have incredible hearts and love differently than a man does - and it is something the world needs and I wanted to raise a strong woman who would love and make this world better.
I started coaching 10 year old girls when I first got to CU and while I LOVED the CU girls, the little ones were my heart and soul. They were malliable.......I saw the pressures they were dealing with, which by the way are absurd and I think make it so hard to be a girl these days.....but I was able to help them, give them confidence to say NO to whatever it was they knew was wrong, be an example for other girls their age who might be struggling. Be a good friend. I know sometimes coaches or teachers have more of an impact at that age than parents so I really really really took my role seriously and those girls I think have turned out absolutely amazing. Certainly not only because of me - I don't mean to say that at all, I only had them for 3 years - but I do think soccer, the team, the challenges, overcoming the challenges, the advice, the talks, the friendships....it all helped and I have seen many of those girls rise above some of the absolute sh*t that goes on in their schools. And sometimes even their homes. If Declan were older, those are the girls I would like for him to date.
So that said, I loved helping "raise" those girls for the 3 years we were together. And when we were first pregnant I was really enjoying thinking about how we would raise this girl.......that turned out to be a boy :) And I was looking forward so very much to that challenge. But now that we have Declan and I see just how much fun a boy is, I'm having such a hard time imagining a girl :( I love wrestling with him, I love that he wants to go out in the rain and play, I love that he is absolutely fearless, I love that he is so EASY GOING (no drama), I love that he is so unbelievably busy and I am so unbelievably exhausted by the end of the day, I love that he wants to climb on EVERYTHING and even if he falls, he gets back up, smiles at me, and starts climbing again, I love that when Paul asked me the other day "where is Declan" I said "in the other room playing with his trucks" - its just so BOY and I love it :) I know there will be struggles but I certainly will not be fighting with him when he's 15 about a dress that is wayyyy too revealing for prom, or having to listen to why he will never ever EVER talk to Sally again even though they were best friends 2 days ago. Girls bring a drama and dynamic that I've never been good with myself and I can't imagine trying to deal with that every day.....these days. And after our dinner the other night, seeing those pageant girls with their moms I REALLY started to panic.
All this to say, if we had a girl, I know I would be over the moon. I know different genders bring different challenges just the way every child brings something different to the table but for some reason, I am just love love loooovvvving having a boy. More than I ever thought. Again, maybe its because I grew up with boys and I would much prefer to go play with a ball any day of the week rather than a doll...........and Declan loves himself a soccer ball! So he and I have fun together. My little buddy. I know it won't be like this forever but for now........................he is my buddy :)
I think God gives you what you need so this go round, that was a boy. If next go round its a girl I will embrace that knowing she is what we are meant to add to our family................but I will say right now - that makes me a little nervous.
For now though - off to play with Decky and his new slinky!!! :)
