Dearest Declan Brady -
How do you put into words the amount of love a mother has for her child..........her first born child. I know you can't play favorites but damnit, Declan, you are my FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!! :) This whole past year has been the most challenging yet easily the most fruitful year of my life. When your daddy and I first got together and up until this day, I look at him and I think "there's no way anyone could love another person the way and how much I love Paul...no way." But there is.....because I love you in a different way, but I love you just as much. When I hear you giggling and talking to yourself in the morning in your crib, my heart melts. When we're driving and I look in the rearview mirror back at you and you see me, I can't help but break out into the biggest grin on earth and you quickly follow with the same. When we're in different rooms and all of a sudden you walk over to me with the biggest smile on your face waving and holding your hands up for me to pick you up and cuddle, I just crumble a little bit inside.
Sometimes I hug you too tight little boy and I'm so sorry but I just want to hold onto these moments forever. Literally forever. I want to freeze time and remember this particular goodnight kiss or that particular smile and laugh you gave me. After your bottle right before bed these days you will drop your bottle to the side of the chair, you turn over on my chest so we are heart to heart (my favorite!!) and you will either go to sleep right there OR you will be mr. flirty and we'll giggle back and forth for a few minutes. Your new favorite thing is trying to find my face in the dark, putting your forehead to mine and we both shake our heads "no" and you giggle like the little crazy man that you are :) It is absolutely hysterical and as much as I love it, I try not to get you too riled up so our little fun mommy/Declan time doesn't last too long at night.......but truth be told, I would stay up there until the wee hours of the morning and do that with you if I wasn't such an uptight sleep freak mom :)
Like I said before, I look at you buddy, and I swear there has never been nor will there ever be a baby as cute and happy as you are right now. My heart bursts with the amount of love I feel for you honey and while I never knew I could be this happy along with your daddy, I am so thankful we are where we are and we are with who we are with. God put me on this earth to be your mommy, I am sure of it. And we are a team, you and me. You have given me one of the greatest gifts imaginable, and I want to thank you because you are only 1 year old but you have made me such a better person. I always say how important it is for the people in your life to challenge you and while I hope you grow up to surround yourself with those who are only going to lift you higher, little Decky, you have made me soar. And you don't even know it. Before you, I was probably a little too dependant on your dad for my own happiness. He just lights up my life and I feel more myself with him than without him. That is not a bad thing, but when he travels as much as he does, it just got to be pretty exhausting going from so high when he was around to so low when he was gone. Enter...........you! When you were first born, daddy was able to stay home for about a week with us and it was an absolutely PHENOMENAL week. But, it was only a week. He had to go back to work pretty quickly and in just a few short weeks, he was back on the road recruiting! I honest to goodness thought there was no way I could take care of you on my own and I had a major meltdown but my mom said something to me that I will never forget and I think has, along with you, spurred this change in me. She said "yes you will.....you will be strong if for no other reason than you need to be strong for that little boy." It wasn't about me anymore. It was about you. I needed to be strong, confident, self-assured and positive for YOU. You were so little, Declan, but I would look at you and you gave me the strength I needed when I didn't think I could face a day, let alone a night, let alone a week full of nights :) all by myself. My goal has always been and will continue to be to raise a confident, independant, strong, respectful, happy and healthy young man but how can I do that if I'm not all of the above myself. So there it was. I couldn't rely on daddy to make me happy, I had to do it myself and I have to say little buddy..............................you were the key to it all.
Declan, you are only a year old, but you have given me the best gift of all. Yourself. And you've given me a little chunk of myself back. I love you more than words will ever say and more than you will ever know - and that's ok. Its ok to not be able to express it - its just a feeling and I hope to the heavens one day you will get to have this feeling with your own baby because there is nothing better in this whole universe. I love you, I love you, I love you. Happy 1st Birthday to the sweetest little boy ever to walk this earth. Thank you for the best year of ALL of our lives :)
Mommy
